okay so I was going through some old email and came across this gem. Most of these are based on movies, games, TV shows or books. I'm curious how many everyone can identify.
Code:
*The Top 107 Things I'd Do If I Joined a Sci-Fi Special
Ops Team*
1. I would refuse to go into the underground research
facility.
2. I would refuse to go into the deep-space research
facility.
3. I would refuse to go into the deep-sea research
facility.
4. I would refuse to go into the radio-blacked out colony.
5. I would refuse to go into the derelict alien ship.
6. I would refuse to go into the abandoned ghost ship.
7. If I was then forced into attempting any of the above
six missions, I
would attempt to go AWOL. Prison showers are almost
certainly preferable to
what awaits.
8. When going on a mission, I would certainly carry more
than one gun. I
would carry as many as humanly possible.
9. In line with #8, I would carry more than one clip per
gun. I have a belt,
and I intend to fill it.
10. If the hallways of the operations area are big enough
to allow it, I
intend to bring along a small field artillery piece as
well.
11. No matter what my commanding officer says, if my job is
to plant a
nuclear device to destroy the facility/ship, it is not
necessary for me to
endanger my life by traveling to the center of the
structure to plant the
bomb, I'm sure the entrance will prove just as
effective.
12. If my job is to disable the A/I system that runs the
facility/ship, and
this would require me to go to the center of the structure,
I will just
plant a small nuclear device at the entrance. If the blast
doesn't get it,
the EMP will.
13. If I am equipped with body armor, and it proves
ineffective against
whatever killed everyone in the facility/ship, I will ditch
it and use the
saved weight to carry more guns.
14. Along the same lines, if the body armor is ineffective
and so are the
guns, I will ditch both and set a new track record on my
way out of the ops
area.
15. I will refuse to wear any helmet that restricts my
peripheral vision and
does not allow me to see something rising up/dropping down
right beside me.
16. I will request to be equipped with a helmet that has a
small HUD linked
to a camera on the back of my helmet. An additional HUD
linked to a
upward-pointing top mounted camera would be nice as well.
17. If I am going into some top secret facility that has
lost radio
communication with the outside world, I will make damn sure
that I am in
possession of a high quality, up to date map in a form that
will not be
rendered unreadable by contact with liquid.
18. If I could not obtain a map, and found myself
lost/trapped in the
facility, I would not rely on the unstable, homicidal
central A/I to provide
me with escape routes.
19. If I am inside a facility/ship after the stuff has hit
the fan, and find
myself without a map, I will head to the nearest computer
terminal and
consult Yahoo! Maps. The facility was built by a
corporation or the
government, and they can certainly afford an internet
connection.
20. If there is a self-destruct mechanism or impenetrable
blast doors set on
a running timer within the building/ship I am ordered to
enter, I will guard
the entrances until the timer runs out, then leave. The
problem will take
care of itself eventually, so there is no need to risk
myself.
21. If mine is not the first team to be sent into the area,
I will take a
little time off to wonder why.
22. If the music suddenly gets really creepy, start
spinning around with
your finger on the trigger. Whoever was guarding your back
is probably gone
by this point anyway.
23. Before I go on each mission, I will rent Aliens,
Resident Evil, Event
Horizon, and other similar movies for pointers. I will
defer the costs to my
employer as "training expenses".
24. If there is something dripping from the ceiling up
ahead, I won't bother
to check if it's just water. I will leave the area
immediately by the
quickest available route.
25. If I hear odd noises, I will not be foolish enough to
investigate it
alone. I will take a friend. Or two. With big guns.
26. If I am ordered to investigate the noise by my
commanding officer, I
will take everyone else in the squad with me. By the time
we return to where
the CO was waiting, the problem will probably have solved
itself.
27. If I am forced to walk underneath a hole in the
ceiling, I will be
cautious. I will investigate it thoroughly with high
explosives.
28. Likewise, If I hear odd noises coming from the ceiling,
I will not lift
up a panel and stick my head up to have a look around. I
will lift up the
panel and shove a grenade up there.
29. Similarly, if I am forced to pass a hole/grate in the
walls or floor, I
will throw a grenade in to make sure its clear now, and set
proximity mines
to make sure it is clear later.
30. Unless it is my last chance for survival, I will never
go into any type
of ventilation shaft. I know that whatever chased me up
there will almost
certainly be able to move faster than me in an enclosed
space.
31. I will always take some sort of sword with me in
addition to a multitude
of projectile weapons. That way, when I run out of
ammunition, and I will, I
won't have to ineffectually slap at an opponent before
being killed.
31a. Along similar lines, if I am issued only
laser/particle
beam/mag-accelerated weapons, I will acquire and carry a
gunpowder
slugthrower. Thus, if something nullifies electronics, I
can still shoot
whatever wants to eat me.
32. Knowingly entering a facility where illegal genetic
research is being
preformed would be consigning myself to death by stupidity.
Therefore, I
wouldn't enter, even if this entailed killing the rest
of my team to avoid
it.
33. I would never enter a dark room. I would throw in a
handful of grenades
and move on, assured that if anything is still alive in
there, it isn't
happy.
34. I wont make the mistake of shooting something with my
smallest gun
first, and then working my way up through the larger
firearms. I would start
with my biggest gun, and if that didn't work, run like
hell.
35. If I was sent off with only one companion, I would make
sure it is
someone I could outrun. That way, I can get away while
whatever was chasing
us chews on him.
36. If there are women on the team, I will never sleep with
them right
before a mission. One or the other of us will almost
certainly not make it
back, and I don't like 50/50 odds.
37. If a team-member disappears mysteriously for a long
period of time and
the just as mysteriously reappears, I will shoot them
immediately and save
myself a lot of trouble.
38. I will periodically look up. The importance of this can
never be
overstated.
39. If I am in a genetic research lab and there are lots of
cages whose
steel doors have been torn out, I will think about how much
punishment those
doors could take. Then I will think about how much
punishment my frail human
body can take. Then I will start thinking about where those
exits were.
40. No matter how tempted I am, I will never deactivate the
main power grid
in a research facility. I know there is a reason that those
doors are
magnetically locked and electrified.
41. I will also never deactivate the main computer in a
facility. Even
though its automated defenses may be slaughtering the rest
of the team, they
are still holding back whatever killed the original
occupants.
42. I will stay away from any elevators. Nothing good ever
comes from an
elevator in these situations.
43. I will never negotiate with whatever is trying to kill
my team. The
dialogue will almost certainly be along the lines of
"Me hungry, you food".
44. If one of my team-members gets bitten, cut, sprayed
with, or otherwise
exposed to a bio-agent, I will kill them immediately. They
will only turn on
me, and the antidote never works anyway.
45. The sexiest female will always make it out, mainly
because she is
surrounded by men who willingly throw themselves in the
path of anything
that attempts to harm her. I will stay close to that
female, and when I am
the last male left, I will throw her in the path of
whatever is attempting
to harm us.
46. I will make sure that when I finally make my exit from
the ops area, I
have conserved a decent amount of ammunition. Something
always goes wrong
during the escape.
47. If I find only one survivor from among 500 or so
people, I will not
trust them. They had to do something to survive the carnage
that killed 500
people, and I don't think it was just run really fast.
48. I will make sure the team will under no circumstances
split up. It never
helps.
49. If upon arriving in the ops area I hear a lot of
screams from inside or
see a lot of obviously mutilated dead bodies, I will leave
the ops area and
come back later. With more people. And bigger guns.
50. I will train myself to keep my cool under pressure well
enough to hit a
head sized target at a range of 10 feet.
51. I will request that any ops team I am a part of be
issued body armor
with environmental resistance, which provides protection
from things like
fire, airborne viruses, and acid.
52. I will also request that aforementioned armor have a
reflective mirrored
surface, to help with those pesky automated laser defenses.
53. If I see something in the shadows up ahead that at
first glance does not
appear human, I will forgo taking the time for a second
look and lob a
grenade at it instead.
54. If I see something in the shadows up ahead that at
first glance appears
vaguely human, I will forgo taking the time for a second
look and lob a
grenade at it instead.
55. If I see something in the shadows up ahead that at
first glance appears
human, I will forgo taking the time for a second look and
lob a grenade at
it instead. Better safe than sorry.
56. If multiple survivors are found during the course of
the mission, they
will be given a gun and told to make themselves useful.
56a. If I see something in the shadows up ahead I will
forgo taking the time
for a second look and lob a grenade at it instead. Better
safe than sorry.
57. However, if these survivors created or want to study
whatever
depopulated the facility/ship, they will not be given guns
as they cannot be
trusted to use them at the crucial moment, due to their
conflict of
interests.
58. Between missions I will lobby for legislature to
require all secret
research facilities to have heavily stocked ammo dumps in
easily accessible,
well marked locations.
59. If my team is required to use motion detectors, they
better be able to
scan 360 degrees, not merely 90.
60. If the body count is currently over 500, I will
politely inform my
superiors that an 8-man operations team isn't going to
cut it.
61. If any member of the team is prone to claustrophobia,
diver's high,
space-mania, or panic attacks, I will deliver a request to
the CO that they
be left behind, instead of just being given a pep talk.
62. If any member of the team proves to be a
corporate/government spy, I
will shoot them before anyone else can react, saving the
trouble of taking
them prisoner only so they can escape later and sabotage
the mission.
62a. If there is a sudden illness with any member of my
team and a new
member is added at the last minute, I will shoot them
before anyone else can
react.
63. I will recommend that any form of transportation we
have be parked well
away from the trouble spot, and that the operator stays in
it and keeps the
doors sealed until the team is standing outside and ready
to leave.
63a. If my escape vehicle was on the ground the entire time
I was fighting
the monster/alien/genetic abombination/etc. I will destroy
it. Whatever I
thought I killed was on board.
64. If we have a spare transport I will recommend that we
have a spare pilot
as well, to save having to remote control fly the transport
in if something
happens to the first.
65. If any member of the team takes a revolver on the
mission, I will take
it from them, hand them an automatic, and then slap them
silly for being so
stupid.
66. I will ensure that all guns have perfectly calibrated
laser sights, even
if I must pay for them myself, so that missing a headshot
is inexcusable.
67. If the team gets out of an operations area and find we
are missing a
man, I will recommend we leave his ***. He should have kept
up in the first
place.
68. If our mission is to shut down a rogue A/I, I will not
discuss our plans
in any room with a visible camera and/or audio pickup.
69. Screw shoulder-mounted flashlights, Ill carry a pair of
night vision
goggles even if the cost has to come out of my paycheck.
70. The same goes for little pen-lights. I will carry a 3
foot mag-lite with
a halogen bulb. That way, not only do I get a huge
flashlight range, it can
double as a club in tight situations.
70a. I will remember that if the monsterous creature is
within clubbing
range, it is a tight situation, and start clubbing. This is
true even if my
firearm still works. No reason not to club and shoot at the
same time.
71. If I am low on ammunition, I won't hesitate to roll
the bodies of my
teammates for ammo. They certainly don't need it
anymore.
72. If I learn that the beings we are fighting have acid
for blood or that
their blood contains some sort of bio-agent, I will make
damn sure I am at
least 15 feet away from any I shoot.
73. If my team possesses an APC, but it won't fit into
the corridors of the
ops area, I'll rectify the situation with explosives
instead of going in on
foot.
74. Just in case my opponents will be using cloaking
devices that short out
upon contact with water, I will always carry a small
super-soaker pistol
with me on missions.
75. If I am forced to pick a position within a facility
from which to make a
last stand, it will not be a room which can easily be
breached by going
above the ceiling or under the floor.
76. If I hear a low hissing or moaning directly behind me,
I will take off
running without thinking. Whatever it is, its first bite of
me is going to
be ***.
77. If anyone in the squad has a flamethrower, I will make
sure everyone
else is trained to instinctively duck whenever he even
begins to turn
around.
78. When the team's mission is to plant a bomb I will
make sure we have more
than one bomb, and more than one person who knows how to
plant it.
79. If I am going into an area in where research in
biological warfare was
occurring, I will not remove my gas mask before entering
the facility.
80. If there is a countdown to an explosion or the sealing
off of the
facility, I will set my watch timer 10 minutes ahead of
that to give myself
a margin of safety.
81. If any of the people we've rescued or one of my
team members starts to
convulse and scream, ill have the guy with the flamethrower
hose them down
and then move on. If it is the napalm guy I'll just
shoot the tank. Whatever
made them do it, I seriously doubt it was a cramp.
82. If my team has heavy weaponry with us, I will not wait
until there are
only a few people left and we are surrounded and in dire
straits to use
them. I will use them as early and as often as possible.
83. Similarly, if I have a large ship in orbit over the
planet, and find out
that there are no survivors in a heavily infested area, I
will call for an
orbital bombardment of the hot zone.
84. If I hear odd noises coming from a grate nearby, I
won't stare
quizzically at it and shine a weak flashlight beam through
the grate, I will
immediately empty my current clip into the grate then kick
it in and send a
grenade into the tunnel.
85. If we have prisoners, and one of them is talking to me
steadily in a
calm voice while staring behind me, I will immediately dive
to the side and
roll to hose whatever was about to attack me. I will show
the same response
if a team-member looks behind me with an expression of
horror.
86. If I address a query to the guy that should be behind
me, and receive no
immediate response, I will immediately break into a dead
run, dropping
grenades along the way.
87. If I find that rooms marked on my map as dining halls
turn out to be
full of stasis chambers and odd piping instead, I will
immediately leave the
ops area and refuse to enter until I get a damn good
explanation.
88. If we manage to ambush whatever was killing us, and I
hear a high
pitched beeping and it starts laughing, I will be smart
enough to just start
running, instead of searching it for the timer.
89. I will never walk through water any deeper than I can
see down into. I
won't walk in the water period if there is electric
cabling nearby.
90. Any transports that we bring into the ops area and
intend to use to
escape will have cameras on the outside to allow us to scan
for unwanted
guests.
91. Along the same line, the landing bay/pad we return to
will have several
large turrets to take care of any stowaways we miss.
92. I will point out to my superiors that if the
corporation/government has
enough money to fund an 8 man black ops team, they have
enough damn money to
buy us a remote controlled robot with cameras that we can
send in to scout
the area first.
93. My favored method of advance down a dark corridor will
be with a
five-man team, the first man hosing down the corridor in
front, the second
throwing a grenade, the third hauling the huge cart of ammo
and explosives
the fourth throwing a grenade behind us, and the fifth
hosing down the
corridor behind. Take ten steps, repeat.
94. My favored method of advance down a well-lit corridor
will be with a
five man team, the first man hosing down the corridor in
front, the second
throwing a grenade, the third hauling the huge cart of ammo
and explosives
the fourth throwing a grenade behind us, and the fifth
hosing down the
corridor behind. Take ten steps, repeat.
95. If a cat comes flying out of a vent, scaring the crap
out of me, I will
unload a clip into the vent. *Something* scared the cat.
95a. I will shoot any cat encountered during the mission.
96. I will hold the belief that heavy breathing from the
nearby darkness is
not to be investigated. It is to be used for target
practice.
97. Warning shots are for wusses. Fire for effect,
that's my motto.
98. If the other people with me have all disappeared, I
won't bother
wandering around the immediate area looking for them and
yelling their
names, peering into dark rooms.
99. When any member of my squad dies, I will have them
hosed down with the
flamethrower or plant a proximity mine on them. No use
feeding or increasing
the numbers of whatever is trying to kill us.
100. If I die on a mission, it will be because I snapped my
neck trying to
look everywhere at once.
101. I will never show any members of the mission pictures
of my
fiancée/wife/kids who I can't wait to get back to
after the mission is over.
102. I will never discuss with anyone the length of my
enlistment and brag
how "short" I am.
103. I will never discuss with anyone the fact that this is
my last mission
before retirement.
104. I will kill every new life form I encounter. A dead
life form is just
as valuable to the scientist back home as a live one is.
105. I will kill every one I encounter in suspended
animation. They won't
feel it anyway.
106. I will obey orders, not be overly comical or friendly
with civilians
present, I will not swear and I will not be immoral. I do
not wish to die
first as an example of how bad our enemies are.
106a. I will not be ethnic.
106b. I will not be English.
106c. I will not be a relative to anyone else on the team.
107. I will nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way
to be sure.
*Ars sine scientia nihil est.*
*(Skill without knowledge is useless.)*
* *
Last edited by a moderator:
