I thought this was funny!

[ThaShadowknight]

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for
all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our
number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will
be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by
the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be
placed into effect immediately. This program will be known
as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the
opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED
employees can request a review of their employment records
before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of
the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities
of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may
file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called
S.H.A.F.T.(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Underthe terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED
once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as
the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she
will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for
Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined
Lump sum Assistance Payment). As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P.
are considered bene fit plans, any employee who has received
H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or
SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who
remain on board that the company will continue its policy of
training employees through our: Special High Intensity
Training (S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees
receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any
company in this area. If any employee feels they do not
receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate
supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make
sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal
service with us!

The Management

[Terin01]

yeah i had to send that off in an email that was pretty good.